One day, when I was about 13 on the ranch I grew up on, the adults were gone and the mice were going to play. Although I always thought the mice that weren’t my real brothers...the ones that came with my mother’s current husband, were really just playing with my brother. They obviously had no regard for his well being. I don’t know if I can say they were playing with his life. Could he have died from this stunt? I do know he could have been seriously hurt, scarred for life. What am I saying? He probably does have scars from this day. The game they were playing involved a car. An old nondescript grey/beige car with a rounded hood and fenders. Mitch was probably around 13 and his younger brother, Chuckie, was probably 11, same as my brother, Robert. So, too young to be driving, but you don’t need a driver’s license on the ranch, especially when the adults are away. Mitch was driving and Chuckie was riding shotgun. My brother Robert...he was on top of the car, spread eagle, holding on to the car roof through the open driver’s and passenger’s windows. And at 11, he was barely able to reach across. I became aware of the game looking out from an upstairs window.
What kind of male adolescence taunting had they used to get my brother up there?
Mitch was probably driving with his foot to the metal all the way up that mile-long, dusty, gravel road that leads to our house. As the road gets to the house it takes a slight curve to the left and continues up to the barnyard. It was at this curve that they lost him. Robert flew off and hit the gravel. He is very lucky that he didn’t hit something else... like farm equipment parked between the shop and the road. Robert came into the house. I am sure the sight of him made me weak in the stomach. His face and hands were covered with blood, blood and gravel. Dozens of tiny pieces of gravel were imbedded in his face and hands. He was asking me to clean him up before Mom got home. All he was worried about was getting in trouble. So I did. I picked every one of those pieces of road out of his face and hands and cleaned his wounds. I don’t recall Mom ever finding out what happened. I’m sure Robert came up with some excuse for his wounded face...and the excuse was good enough for her.
Janet, great effort! Made a few suggested tweeks that you can consider.
ReplyDelete[story]
One day, when I was about 13 on the ranch I grew up on, the adults were gone and the mice were going to play.
The mice that weren’t my real brothers...they were the sons of my mother’s current husband.
They were luring my small brother, Robert, into playing a dangerous games.
[pressing taunts from the mice]
Mitch was probably around 13 and, Chuckie, was probably 11, the same as my brother. Too young to be driving, but you really don’t need a driver’s license on the ranch, especially when the adults are away. Mitch was in the drivers seat and Chuckie was riding shotgun.
My brother Robert...he was on top of the car, spread eagle, holding on to the car roof through the open driver’s and passenger’s windows. And at 11, he was barely able to reach across. I watched from an upstairs window.
Mitch hit the gas and drove with his foot to the metal all the way up that mile-long, dusty, gravel road that leads to our house. As the road gets to the house it takes a slight curve to the left and continues up to the barnyard.
It was at this curve that they lost him. Robert flew off and hit the gravel. He is very lucky that he didn’t the farm equipment parked alongside between the shop and the road.
Robert came into the house. The sight of him made me weak in the stomach. His face and hands were covered with blood, blood and gravel. Dozens of tiny pieces of gravel were imbedded in his face and hands. He was asking me to clean him up before Mom got home. All he was worried about was getting in trouble. So I did. I picked every one of those pieces of road out of his face and hands and cleaned his wounds. I don’t recall Mom ever finding out what happened. I’m sure Robert came up with some excuse for his wounded face...and the excuse was good enough for her.
I’m also sure my two step-brothers thought this was very funny.
[dub in the mice snickering]
It wasn’t lost on me, even at 13, that it was Robert on top of that roof instead of either of them. I hope it wasn’t lost on him.
[/story]
....I feel like you need one more paragraph to end your story. The central themes seem to be peer pressure, alienation within the family dynamic and secrecy. Continue the reflection of that last sentence and give us some more thoughts on the lessons here. What should we (the audience) learn?
Howdy, Janet!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story! It was visual and had me peeping around every written turn up until the end. I especially enjoyed the constant tail of mice throughout. However, I agree with Lace...the end leaves me wanting more...some further understanding as to what this incident is telling the world. Perhaps a "Of Mice and Men" (Steinbeck) allusion to sum it up! Excited to see what you come up with!
Keep it up and good luck!
-Nev
Janet,
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of questions.
You begin with comparing the boys to mice, and I know the saying, "when the cat's away the mice will play," is this a device you were planning to use through out your story?
What part of the event were you actually present for, or what part of this event did you actually witness?
What is your moment of change, how did this event change your perspective on your brother, your mother, your step-brothers, the world?
What does this story say about your experience with youth violence?
I am glad you have settled on this event it is a good one, but now let's polish it up a little.
-Nick
Hey Janet! I really like your story. It's really engaging but I think you're being almost too subtle in trying to get your message across. I agree that you could elaborate on what you took away from the experience and what you hope your brother took away and what you want your audience to learn. You could also maybe be a little less subtle in alluding to the fact that your mother made a choice not to deal with the problem.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I can't wait to see your finished project.
The story is pretty scary. Your brother was in real danger.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest highlighting how this ties into your relationship with your mother a little more and also maybe one more sentence of explanation or guessing as to why your brother agreed to go along with this stunt. Your question "What kind of male adolescence taunting had they used to get my brother up there?" explains some but I think a little more could emphasize that it was probably not his own choice to do it.
See ya in class,
Robbie